Monday, 1 June 2026
Monday 1 June 2026
[1] Bill Gates founded Microsoft in 1975. Together with Paul Allen, Gates built one of the biggest and most influential software companies in the world. He also built an intentional and curated public image. Appearing in sweaters without logos and a pair of nerdy glasses, he presented as the friendly neighborhood billionaire set to solve global health problems. His endowment fund (a fancy word for a charity) has $89 billion, making it one of the biggest in the world. Unfortunately for Gates, much like many other men who make large sums of money, he appears to have thought of himself as above the rules.
Recent files disclosed by the Justice Department paint a concerning picture of Gates’ association with disgraced financier (probably the wrong word, on record as saying “no one understands inflation”) and convicted pedophile Jeffery Epstein. In a few weeks, Gates will face questions before a congressional committee over his dealings with the sex offender. Simply being associated with Epstein, while being appalling, especially after his 2008 conviction, is not a crime. If there is, however, proof that Gates was involved in Epstein’s global sex trafficking network, he should be publicly named, shamed and held accountable.
If past congressional hearings, particularly around the topic of Epstein, under the Trump administration are anything to go by, the truth will certainly not come out (when former Attorney General Pam Bondi was asked whether her department has interviewed victims of Epstein, which they did not, she personally insulted the committee members and cited the level of the Dow Jones. Trump eventually lost patience with her inability to defend his involvement with Epstein, which was extensive, sacking her and giving Todd Blanche the nod as AG).
As of writing, all we know with certainty is that Gates had a proclivity for younger (but of legal age) Russian bridge players. It seems that all the money, fame and success in the world is never enough. If you can reach him in the Swiss rehab center, ask Tiger Woods about that.
[2] America is set to celebrate its 250th birthday on the 4th of July. The date marks the acceptance of the Declaration of Independence. This landmark birthday is causing excitement for Katy Perry fans (see “Fireworks”, what a song), Americans looking for an excuse to get hammered, and most of all, Supreme Leader Donald Trump.
Between drinks with ex-podcaster and current FBI director Kash Patel (beer for Patel, see his celebration with the US ice hocky team, Fanta Orange for Trump, who doesn’t drink or smoke and is often associated with the color orange), war planning with ex-podcaster and current Head of Department of War (as it is now called, it seems that Department of Defense was, well, too defensive) Pete Hegseth (vodka for Hegseth, maybe he and Patel should open a bar) and floating the idea of a $250 note with his face on it (ex-crack addict Hunter Biden, son of former US President, ice cream lover and mountain bike hater Joe Biden, probably supports this idea, having rolled up enough $100 bills), Trump is struggling to book acts for his Great American State Fair. In response to various acts dropping out of the event, Trump nominated himself as the headline act (actually). “I am thinking about bringing the Number One Attraction anywhere in the World, the man who gets much larger audiences than Elvis in his prime, and he does so without a guitar,” the President wrote on social media. He further noted that “Only Great Patriots” would be invited. Apparently Harambe has a golden circle ticket (see our note of 29 May 2026).
[3] After DNF wrote an opinion last week saying that AI is only good for generating nude images, AI struck back by solving one of the most complex and famous math problems in the world (our move then, not sure where to go from here). Open AI announced that one of its models solved a puzzle known as the unit distance problem, first presented by math-nerd and prolific ladies’ man (probably) Paul Erdos 80 years ago. This both excited and alarmed mathematicians. The reason the model solved a problem that humans could not was due to its counterintuitive approach. Instead of trying to prove Erdos’s conjecture, the model attempted to disprove it, thereby proving it (?).
[4] JP Morgan Chase, a bank, is fighting with an ex-employee, wealth manager Brent Ryan Bodner, who oversaw $1 billion in client assets, over salami. Bodner hosted a party at his house and paid for a lavish spread with his company card. JP Morgan fired him, he sued them. The Financial Industry Regulatory Authority, or FINRA, ruled in Bodner’s favor and ordered JPM to pay him $4.25 million. He originally sought $30 million (that’s a lot of salami Mr. Bodner). Bodner’s defense for his $642.50 spread was that it was an attempt at attracting prospective clients. The issue with this is that only one couple showed up to the party, as well as another adviser from the bank. Bodner’s sister, who is also his assistant, filed the expense report, which made it seem like the meal was eaten at a deli.
The salami incident follows another JP Morgan scandal which had Chirayu Rana, a mid-level employee and a man, allege that his boss, Lorna Hajdini, an above-mid-level employee and a woman, sexually abused him. Hajdini – who is accused of drugging and forcing Rana to have sex with her - denies the allegations.
Someone should check in on JPM’s HR department, who is working longer hours than the trading desk.
[5] SoftBank announced that it is building hard assets. The Japanese tech and telecoms company plans to build three data centers in France by 2031, at a total cost of $54 billion. Seemingly, the French are less worried about data centers than the Americans. One can only assume that a diet of pastries and Marlboro Reds creates this nonchalant attitude. SoftBank, who trades on the Tokyo stock exchange (interestingly, while most stock exchanges follow the convention of having stocks trade under a ticker of a few letters referring to the name of the company, such as Naspers trading as JSE: NPN, or Google, renamed Alphabet, trading as NASDAQ: GOOG, Japanese companies trade under numbers, SoftBank as TYO: 9984) has had a stunning year, up 62.42% YTD.
[6] Piers Morgan posted a photo of himself on a private jet eating caviar and drinking champagne after attending the Champions League final in Budapest. The controversial talk-show host and long time Arsenal supporter said that celebrating the team’s Premier League victory was “the best moment of my life”, which also includes having four children with two wives. Unfortunately for Piers, there was no such moment in Budapest. PSG beat Arsenal on penalties after the match ended 1-1 in extra time. Arsenal forward Kai Havertz scored in the 5th minute (Havertz also scored in the 2021 final of the same tournament, winning the game for Chelsea against Manchester City) and Dembele equalized in the 64th. Arsenal fans are disappointed, non-Arsenal fans rejoiced at not having to see another plethora of Instagram stories from fans who have not watched a full 90 minute match in years. The host country, Hungary, which is also the birthplace of Paul Erdos (if doom scrolling has fried your short-term memory, he is the mathematician who we spoke about in point 3) has recently undergone a significant political change, with long-time prime minister Victor Orban (who served as PM from 1998-2002, took a break and returned to serve from 2010-2026) ousted by Peter Magyar. Orban’s reign was controversial, with big words such as “autocrat”, “dictator” and “completely insane” often associated with him. Hungarians came out in numbers to kick Orban out of office. Magyar inherits a country desperate for the return of the rule of law, constructive partnership with the European Union and economic prosperity.
[7] The JSE softened on Friday, with resources and industrials in the red. Aspen completed the divestment of Aspen APAC, which sent the stock up 7.41% on Friday. The pharmaceutical giant has had a rough couple of months, and is still trading well below its all time highs. Financials, including Investec and Discovery, picked up a touch after the monetary policy rate increase, and Reinet, a Rupert owned investment vehicle, dropped 3.06%.
Expected results this week include Sirius Real Estate, Tiger Brands (great oats), Sygnia and Telkom. The ZAR paired some of its gains made after the rate increase, closing at R16.24 to the USD. Dis-Chem results on Friday disappointed, with the share price falling 7.8% on weak earnings and a divvy cut.
[8] Roland Garros has blown wide open after both Sinner and Djokovic crashed out of the tournament. Carlos Alcaraz didn’t show up at all, taking time to nurse a wrist issue (unassociated with the enormous gold Rolex he wears, possibly associated with his constant DM’ing of Instagram models). Sinner couldn’t handle the heat (literally) and lost in five after going up two sets to love and leading the third 5-3. Djokovic is getting old. The remaining field will see this as a rare opportunity to grab a Grand Slam under the noses of Sincaraz.
Zverev, the German 29 year old, is now the favorite to win the tournament. DNF suggests that he removes at least one of his gold chains he insists on sporting on the court, which should make him lighter on his feet and leave him looking more like a tennis player and less like a drill rapper.
[9] Woolworths stores keeps getting bombed. Improvised explosive devices (IEDs) were detonated in Pretoria and Bloemfontein stores last week. Thankfully, no one was harmed in either incident. The SAPS and the Hawks are investigating, which should lead to an arrest in a few years. DNF, while being equally upset about R200 steaks and R100 Chuckles, urges the bomber to calm down and suggests that he (or she!) downloads Checkers 60/60. Constantia and Stellenbosch moms are freaking out, with Chardonnay sales trending upwards in the female aged 40 to 50 category. Book clubs around the country will no doubt have much to say about these incidents throughout the week.
[10] Bafana Bafana is set to play the opening game in the FIFA World Cup, facing Mexico on 11 June. After qualifying for a tournament which Italy did not qualify for, the team was getting ready to jet off to the land of opportunity, only to realize that several players do not have visas. The South African Football Association (SAFA), who has known about this tournament since Bafana qualified in October last year, had a tiny administrative slip. Minister of Sports, Arts and Culture and ex-prisoner Gayton McKenzie demanded a report from Safa and noted that “We are being made to look like fools”. We agree. Safa, scrambling, rebooked Sunday’s flight to Monday, hoping to receive the visas on Monday morning (stunning plan). Head coach Hugo Broos is Belgian, so he can enter Mexico without a visa. Unfortunately for Mr. Broos, his team are all South Africans. We hope to see the players arrive in Mexico soon and will be supporting our boys (Bafana Bafana translates literally as “the boys, the boys”) throughout the tournament.
Happy June and have a great Monday.